this post probably won't come out like i want it to - typical me. but i've been waiting for what seems like too long to conclude my Haiti series (at least for now) - this one subtitled "the Struggle."
there is a part of me that will forever be altered by living in a third world country. and i'm pretty positive that unless a person is completely resistant to heart change, there is not much else to do but BE changed simply by showing up and drinking in the truth.
this part of me that has changed I saw reflected in my colleague (see Parts I & II) as struggle. And "struggle" is the only way that I can describe it. today I was emailing my best friend and the struggle popped up again. earlier this week i got mad at my husband, when really i was mad at the unfairness of this heart struggle.
let me explain.
as we were discussing her recent trip to Haiti, my colleague was wrestling with how to reconcile her comfortable life here with what she saw there. and really, there is no escape to the struggle except through it. the hard way to go. to let yourself feel what you feel - even if it makes you feel guilty. or insecure. or like your world just may not be right again.
i spent my whole freshman year of college (after Haiti) hating life - hating people who were so ignorantly uncaring and unwilling to look at the real issues in life, instead dwelling in American shallowness. my biggest reverse culture shock was coming back to a place that i knew but being so different inside - how did i reconcile who i was, what was going on in my heart presently, and who i was to become? (TCK anyone??)
finally, i came to the realization (and trust me, it took a long time) that real life issues and real pain was relative. first world pain is just as difficult as third world pain, albeit different and often less visible. and i couldn't blame people for their "ignorance" when they hadn't experienced what I had. that just wasn't right. it wasn't fair.
but what lingers from that much larger scale struggle early on crops up again and again, especially when i have lots of thinking time. and i'm sure what goes on in my head, what bothers me the most, is different from others who have experienced similar perspective-changers. however, i doubt it really "goes away" for anyone, no matter how much they work through it. it's like living in the tension between two different worlds, forever.
for example, the email i was writing to my friend today: what in the world do i do with my life? part of me wants to purse some kind of creative venture. i absolutely adore creative beauty. and it inspires creating on my part - just like my Creator intended it, I think. and as soon as i really contemplate a commitment to something like that, i think, "but really, the passion to create poverty awareness and eradication is so much stronger."
but what do i do about that? am i meant to do anything (career wise) with that? or just share my experiences as i go? i'm sure i am not to just ignore it - living in a place that truly isn't me - trying to forget the struggle. i want to live simply (but dear me, these ponderings are as far from simple as i get!) and i have other ambitions like masters' degrees and language learning and spiritual direction and... motherhood.
it's especially hard to dream about what to do when i'm stuck in bed for 3 months, almost 32 weeks pregnant, living on a tighter budget than we'd like and wondering if i'll ever do anything meaningful and fulfilling in my years on earth. (sounds dramatic, but it's true.)
i flip flop back and forth between being okay with living here, being here and enjoying life as i know it and knowing the every. day. struggle. some go through just to get by. i know their names - and they know mine. i admit that i've chosen where i am and what i am doing - and i don't believe that i've chosen poorly, against "God's will" or against the innate desires of my heart.
but this struggle remains. while it manifests itself in guilt somedays and anger other days - ultimately i want to channel those emotions and my perspective into something positive. meaningful. maybe even life-changing.
but what?
