it's been almost a year

i almost can't believe that i've neglected my blog for almost a year. (and geez, enough has happened)

and by "neglect" i really just mean, i-haven't-had-the-motivation-or-the-need-to-blog. plus, my husband read in his high-tech-y magazine that blogging was SO 2004. how intimidating is that? but actually, i think now, who cares? i'm feeling the need and really mommyBLOGS keep the world going 'round. i love them. i can't help it. must be the little mommy me inside. ha. (no worries, no babies yet...)

but another reason is, it's okay to blog now. i don't have to worry about being honest and having *someone* run into it that shouldn't be reading it. not that i would be writing anything horrible, it's just ... well... it's been the last year of my life. stifled. discouraged. wanting to beat a wall down but knowing it wouldn't help anything. 

and now, i sit, job-hunting, avoiding huge dog slobbers, and scouting out craigslist for good deals i still can't afford. i have friends, but they all have lives now. responsibility. KIDS. for heaven's sake! :-) it's a good time of life, but also confusing and hard. 

here's how it went.

quit job, moved to Idaho

had no friends, had no job

got married in May (*highlight*!)

got discouraged in June

stayed that way

made one friend

got a job in November

he got let go in December

moved to Kansas City

no job, some friends.

 May His light be our guiding path because at least I know, I haven't a clue.

more squirrel watching

so, maybe i have a secret love.

of squirrels.

seriously, it's strange. everytime i look out the window and see my little friends scampering outside, i just could sit and stare at them for awhile.

i think i was squirrel deprived. haiti, kansas, switzerland ... none can compare to my little waterloo, iowa front yard.

just the other night i watch a squirrel diligently carrying mouthfulls of leaves up and down, up and down to his (her?) nest in one of our trees. how he got all those leaves to STAY there all bunched up, is beyond me ....

i woke up the next morning and guess who i saw working away again? Mr. Squirrel.

it almost made me feel lazy. is that supposed to happen? squirrels making me feel lazy???

wow, weird.

good things

it's been awhile. blogging makes sense when you're in the midst of so-called "adventure". but ... i've just kind of faded into the midwestern sky after my year in Switzerland. and maybe that's what i needed -- to just fade into the distance for awhile.



but definitely it doesn't mean that my life isn't an adventure. it hasn't stopped and won't, i don't think. this is good. and also scary.



today i registered my car with the state of Iowa. got a driver's license, the whole she-bang. except that it cost me a GOOD $275 to do it. cars are EXPENSIVE! but here is a sneak peak at my new little toy ... the one I've been waiting for since I sold my first car at 17. seven years is a long time to wait.



so this car has been a HUGE answer to my prayers since September. i've borrowed a car since then and 5 months is definitely enough time to wait. and to borrow.

idaho, here i come!!! (end of march, stuffed full with my things, driving 1600+ miles, 22 hours in the car... lots of CDs to play.)

.:heart-shaped sugar cookies:.

usually, it's Mom and I. i remember in elementary school ... my mom, the coolest, would make heart-shaped sugar cookies with pink frosting. and she'd "write" every single classmate's first name on them. the next day, i would proudly bring them to school. getting a yummy cookie frosted personally for you is one thing ... but giving them out is another.

we'd make the dough and chill it. roll it out and start cutting hearts. my dad always would poke his face into the kitchen and while my mom wasn't looking i'd sneak him some dough.

oooooh, the joys of baking.

roll 'em out, cool 'em and frost 'em. and, of course, in the process, eat some dough, eat the broken ones (which may or may not've been broken on purpose) and lick the frosting off your fingers.

this year, however, Valentine's day will be one I spent alone. (my parents are in Haiti). tonight i made the cookies. i ate some dough and a broken one, frosted them and licked my fingers ... but without anyone to help or sneak cookie dough to, it's just not the same. tomorrow however, i bet giving them will be fun. grated, i didn't write all of the names of the mechanics in my office on them (that'd be a little weird.) but, nonetheless, they'll love 'em. big, dirty mechanics eating pink heart cookies. yeah, it's a one-up for me. pink hearts, white with red sparkles, and one special one. :-) :-)

The AMISH are coming!

You think the Amish stay in their communities and have only limited contact with the world. It's not true.

It was 7:14a and I was jarred out of a nice morning sleep that would've lasted until at least 9 o'clock if the noises coming thru my ceiling hadn't disturbed me. "Noises" sounds mild compared to the tyrannosaurus-rex pounding and scrapings we were serenaded out of bed this morning with. It wasn't even light enough to see the roof, let alone steal my sleep!

Okay, okay. So my dad told me they were coming. But I forgot ... I called him at work and yelled, "The Amish are coming!!" He had no pity. At least tomorrow I won't have a problem being to my new job on time. Geez.

However, Amish men on top of your house is kind of interesting. Beards, suspenders and all. I'm trying to convince my mom that it would be utterly annoying to be stared at by us, but she just laughs. And my curiousity has perked up too... I've read about these so-called "simple" people and really I do just want to go out and talk to them. See their reactions to me (a worldly girl) -- see what they would tell me, how honest they would be about their lifestyle. It really is intriguing.

In two days they'll be gone. I hope they like the oatmeal-raisin cookies I'm going to bake for them. And then, we'll have slept a little less, gotten out of the house a little more (especially when the air hammer starts shooting), but have a nice roof job to boot.

:-) and, today, i'm painting a garage. i KNOW all of you envy my exciting life. haha. until then.

garage sales.

so, tuesday this week, i talked my mom into a garage sale. (after it's all said and done, I'm avoiding being ALMOST sorry for being so convincing. I'm tired!) So, every day this week we worked our tails off trying to get ready for the big day. I found out today that when you have a garage sale you come across some interesting people!

Like:
- a little boy who walks up the driveway with his mom and yells, "HEY! Do you have any cars?!" (His mom explained apologetically that he was looking for Hot Wheels. I thought it was hilarious.)

- an old lady, with one eye closed, who wanted to buy a two-person outdoor glider chair and had no way to get it to her porch and the random, big-gut old guy in suspenders (putzing around, wasting time with his buddy, probably waiting for their wives at the hairdresser) who offered to drive it to her house for her.

- another old guy who sounded like 50 cents was ridiculous to pay for an 8-piece egg poacher set. (he bought it anyway.)

- five Amish women with three children and their "chauffeur" (i suppose because they aren't allowed to drive) who were so sweet and let my mom hold one of their SWEET baby girls while they 'shopped'.

- a girl (with her boyfriend) in a oversized marijuana t-shirt that read,
"God made weed.
Man made beer.
In God we trust."
(followed by the classic weed picture.)

oh, she bought a precious moments mug. haha.

- and, finally, last but not least (literally!), the skinny hippy old guy with long wiry hair and long dangly earrings and his girl who were SO excited to buy every last one of our jars of shells. shells, you might be interested to know, that were hand picked by us from black sand beaches in Hawaii. 25 cents a jar. they were thrilled.
"Oh! i make earrings outta these!"

More good times in the life of Lisa. Tune in soon for more next time.

white spots and asphyxiation

painting, painting.

this is my life. (well, it's probably not true, but bear with me here) my parents are, sweetly, paying me to paint. today was the first day that i think i hated myself for agreeing. we got up, i ate cereal, then we sanded, vacuumed, and painted sticky white primer in our sun-room. for basically the rest of the day.



this room needed a change. it was dark and ugly and ... well, i was convinced and used my convincing powers towards change. positive change. except this change involved me. painting. a LOT. and breathing in so much nastiness that i thought i probably shouldn't take a nap because i was afraid of not waking up. well, not quite, but it was pretty bad. (even now the smells of fresh paint are wafting through from the other side of the house. ick.)

BUT!! i learned a valuable lesson that you all should know about. this ooey, gooey sticky white primer is nasty stuff. but not only that, my mom mentioned that it was hard to get off of her arms.

it didn't register. until ... i was finished with the priming job (my mom long gone at an interview), covered with tiny white spots from the paint roller and exhausted from sanding, cleaning and painting. i was "washing" out the brush and the little plastic pour spout in our stainless steel kitchen sink when i realized, "OH. it's oil-based." the paint was just swirling around in the water. and sticking to the bottom. and my fingers.

now, for all of you 1) artists, familiar with oil paints and 2) people smarter than i you probably wouldn't have don't that. but i did.

i knew this: oil paint and water don't mix. but, i didn't pay any attention. until it was too late.

so, i ended up scraping the sink out with my fingernails (which are no longer as nicely shaped as the Asian man at the mall made them). and i learned my lesson. hmm.

Wie heissen sie? and getting out.

it was sunny today and i've decided that getting outside in Buesingen when the sun is showing its face is the only right thing to do. every time. so, i put on my swimming suit and headed toward the river. swimming in the rhine was glorious and i was very satisfied with my getting out. i was walking back to my apartment before i went to visit some friends for a good-bye bbq when i had a smile experience.

going up the back road were two blond kids, obviously brother and sister, riding on an amazing plastic tractor-ish toy. Sister was pedaling like crazy and Brother was sitting backwards in an attached plastic trailer 'helping' her by pushing along with his feet.

i caught up to them and had a wonderful conversation in most of a language that i didn't understand but they kept right on talking and didn't seem to notice.

I said (in German), "Hi! You are fast!"

Sister said (contextual interpretation), "Yeah, and I can go faster!" She proceeded to pedal even faster -- which was pretty good.

Then she slowed back down and said, "What's your name?"

"Lisa. And you?"

"Fabiana." And Brother turned around in his plastic trailer and said, "Timon".

Fabiana and Timon just kept talking and talking telling me about their friends or toys or games or something and i just kept nodding and smiling and waiting for a voice intonation and a pause telling me that i just missed a very important question.

It never came.

A few yards later they said, "We're going here," and turned off.

I smiled, said "Bye!" and went on my way.

************

I loved it. A whole German conversation with two little people who had NO clue that I wasn't a native Buesingen resident and we were all quite happy about that. And did I really need to know exactly about what they were babbling about in their friendly tone? No, not really. I just smiled and listened and i think that was what mattered. getting out and making meaningful contact with people is good for the soul. especially one in transition.

sad and getting sadder.

my blogger browser automatically comes up in German because we're connected to Swiss net. in 9 days it won't be that way at all. the countdown is well underway; my last day of work was yesterday. i'm going to Austria today, having a special thank-you lunch with Jill and seeing my favorite family tonight. i have exactly 9 days to do everything i want and see everyone i want to and say good-bye before i go. and my heart is nearly in pieces.

here's a random message quote i found on facebook from one mk to another (i hope these aren't copy-righted because at the moment i can sympathize.)

"It feels likes somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket
of boiling tears. And at the same time, somebody else is hitting my
soul in the crotch with a frozen sledge hammer. And then a third
guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone . . ."

Lord, have mercy.

schwimmin'

only 13 more days of possible swimming for me. and tonite the ugly rumor was circulating that it was going to get cooler and rainy -- so i had promised myself i would take advantage of the warm day turned night and go for it.

except, i didn't have anyone to swim with.

usually, this wouldn't be a problem. i know how to swim. but, swimming in the rhein river with its current -- you just have to be careful. but, no one was around to go with me so i forged ahead and went by myself.

now, you have to understand. the water is still about 20 degrees celsius. in american terms: pretty darn chilly. the weather hasn't been hot enough for the water to get too warm. but, nikolaj claimed it was "fresh" and would get rid of my tiredness (i'm not sure it did, but i went anyway). a chilly, 7:30pm swim, especially one alone, has to be geared up for. so i geared up.

and really, nothing compares to swimming in the river!! the current is amazing. and there were plenty of smart Swiss people taking in the last bit of the nice weather and river too before the rain comes. so i was safe. :-) and, it was lovely as usual.

sweety and beauty

i ran into two really funny Indian girls' names yesterday during filing time: Sweety and Beauty. hahaha. made me laugh. totally normal last names but, oh the things people name their children...

filing.

sometimes i think that i will go to my grave filing or doing some kind of admin. work. okay, not to be morbid, but paper and organization is my specialty after 4 years of college working for the religion department. and, it seems, without any other 'specialty' i find myself stuck with it again and again.

okay, this week i brought it on myself. and actually, the mindless work that i'm doing and passing the afternoons in Sib's office is enjoyable. well, not the dry and dirty fingers that i get after thumbing through a million sheets of paper or the indent in my middle finger i get from labeling files for hours on end, but i love it that it's mindless (so i can let my mind wander) and that i actually feel like i'm doing something.

it's really hard for me to not really have anything to do. it's been hard to allow myself to (how did Anne Lamott say it?) "practice radical inefficiency" this year. in other words: rest.

but, we were created to do things, to work, so part of this is finding a balance between rest and doing. so this week i got sick, sick, sick of not having anything to do. Sib has been drowning in child sponsorship stuff -- kids' profiles needing checked and finding their homes in the file cabinets and their letters getting off to their sponsors. so, you see someone drowning, several people have helped and she's still up to her chin in CS files ... and you really don't have anything to do (and with only 8 people on campus, you're getting supremely and easily bored) except wait for emails, you offer a hand and the water level falls a bit.

my ambitious goal is to be finished labeling and filing the Indian and Bangladeshi kids by tomorrow. the stack's pretty high and i have a meeting at 3. we'll see. :-)

but, i'm learning as i go. i love it. some of the Nepalese kids' families make the equivalent of 75-100 USD. per year. i'm gaining a bigger awareness of the sheer need of the world. just as i sit and file. Sib puts up with my random questions (like, 'how much is a Nepalise rupee worth?'), we sing along to the old school songs on the radio and talk about how worth it it is -- to do the admin and dirty (and b-o-r-i-n-g) work -- for the faces we see. so, if that means looking at adorable pictures of teeny Indian boys and Arabic girls and cracking up at the all of the "Shenkos" and "Al Hammans" and "Dhases" (you can totally tell from what area they're from by their names ... Russian, Arabic and Indian respectively), well, i'm okay with it. plus, i've actually made it until 5pm without wanting to fall asleep or go out of my mind with boredom.

filing. i really pray that it's not my fate. but, that's not really in my hands.

a quote from Amber Drake

Amber, an exchange student who just left posted this note and i was writing today about this exact thing. i needed to plagiarize for spiritual purposes. :-) [amber, ha, if you ever read this, know that i'm quoting you.]

"In this, Henri Nouwen say, 'we learn to look fully into our losses, not evade them. By greeting life's pains with something other than denial we may find something unexpected. By inviting God into our difficulties we ground life-- even its sad moments-- in joy and hope.' This is entire sanctification. Not that we are whole or even that we understand wholeness, but that we move into relationship with God with our whole selves, everything that we are, and ground our life in Him."

squirrel-watching and other life things

i saw a squirrel this morning.

you wouldn't think it was so significant, unless i told you why. i think squirrel watching/chasing is one of my favorite pastimes. i remember staring out my bedroom window from the house on alpine drive watching them fly up the trees. they're great! even the stubby tail one -- he was around the neighborhood for a few years.

i've never seen one here in buesingen, or in europe, which was surprising to me. taking note of this last fall, i remember mentioning their seeming lack of existence here and missed them. weird, i know, but true. this morning, i have to say, everything in the world seemed okay when i was absorbed in squirrel-watching. i forgot that it was 7am, that i was tired, alone and that the EuNC clan is ever dwindling. (i can, no kidding, count the campus dwellers on 10 fingers. that's it ... soon to be 8.) i'm used to at least 40.

it's kinda been lonely. kinda makes me want to just pack up and go.

and then in church yesterday, i was thinking about this place, how it's the norm to me now and how i'll miss it and i shouldn't be so quick to wish it away. i don't really even know where i'm going in the next months, but i think this waiting time is kind of a blessing instead. it's hard to leave and waiting to leave is even harder, but slowly i'm getting more and more ready. this is good.

so, my life-in-transition looks like the following: lots of reading, writing letters and emails, waiting for the phone to ring or an addition to my inbox, talking to God about others and trusting Him with whatever will happen in my life, wishing the rain would go away, dreaming about suntans and swims in the Rhine, and fellowshipping with the very few people that are left.

like, tonight, it's 4 of us. dinner, simply for the joy of cooking and then enjoying food and each other. this is my prayer and goal: to spend each day to its fullest. not always accomplish-able, but well worth the effort.

especially when August 20th comes around.

musings

i'm updating my blog. really, i should update more often. :-) but... then i realize how little clarity i actually have these days in matters of life and health and understanding God and His church and love and life and friends and change. but, despite it all i feel almost compelled to write even though i don't really have much to say. always a whole bunch of thoughts, but not always a whole lot i can clearly articulate.

i've been thinking that i should be an expert on some things by now. like making friends and then saying good-bye. i keep thinking that moving on and embracing life changes should come more easily the more i do it. but, i still cry. i still want to kick and scream. "NO! i don't want to leave! i don't want to change! i don't want to go through anothing stinking transition!" the only progress i've made is to recognize that i know to expect the tears. to expect the gut-wrenching good-byes. i expect the weird transitory feelings that i just can't place. i expect wanting to take in everything i can experience about the last days, but it never being enough.

why? because the people don't come with me. sure, they come in my heart and i can email them or talk on the phone, but it's not the same community. and it won't ever be. for me, when i've enjoyed a time in my life, a part of me wants to hold onto it forever -- the smells, the trees, (the chocolate), the style, the colors, the sounds or the special spots along the river or in town. and part of me knows that i really don't want to hold on, that there are even better things to come.

Still, each change is hard to get used to. God knows I'm slow. But what happens when i think about the new people i have yet to meet? the next step He has for me? the promises of "infinitely more than you can ask or even imagine"? i have found too much value in the past with how life-change has and can absolutely transform my life. and not even the gut-wrenching moments can keep me from moving forward. and from that vantage point, i have hope.

what will this be? this change? "it's inevitable, you know," i tell myself. "you can't be a volunteer forever." and it's time, i know it is.

but europe is a part of me now. the people here are dear to me. the face of God, although He often seemed hidden, has been here in front of me. He has walked beside me. and now i add these friends to my corresponding-long-distance-with list: these friends who will slowly slip out of my everyday life. i will miss my German family, Jillian in the office next to mine, tasting dark-chocolate-with-chili flavored ice cream, combating British spelling, singing my heart out to Chris Tomlin on the RCC second floor and listening to Nikolaj speak Russian on the phone and throwing in random English words with no translation. i'll miss driving over the rise of the highway and neuhausen/schaffhausen spread out with beautiful swiss-architecture along the rhine valley and cafe vordegasse. i'll miss spending 2 hours in fellowship over a coffee or tea and no one even blinking an eye at it.

i'll miss it. good. but, i won't miss not understanding the language. i won't miss my boyfriend or my family. i won't miss not making money. there are good things coming. better than i can imagine. God is good. this i believe and this i trust.i

plant update: day 40+

update on Parsley and Basil. they're getting bigger and i'm waiting to start cooking! but i also found out that Jill, my neighbor two apts down, has offered her rosemary, chives, oregano (and something else I've never heard of) for fresh herbs to cook with whenever i need! so, i'm set.

sleep

i love to sleep. especially lately. especially after india. for some reason, sleep has been my goal after the red-eye flight from mumbai. so my bed is my place to be.



the night we got into Mumbai and stepped off the bus for a roadside stop at the district office (for a tiny bit of food, a liter of water and a poddy break before we rode for 4 more hours), i went inside the house. the bus stopped outside of the house in the street about 3 or 4 yards behind another vehicle. the yellow street light buzzed and endless indian street chatter hummed. several busloads of people passed us at 1 in the morning, and i know that a busload of sweaty white girls wasn't unnoticed.

i walked back several times between the bus and the yellow gate to the house, but once, while i was stopping to wait for Simone, i stumbled upon something. i didn't disturb him, but realized when my eyes adjusted to the light (or lack of) i realized there was a man curled up on his side, fast asleep on his cot. in the middle of the street.

um, whoa. we were trodding in his bedroom.

this was probably one of the most surprising things to me -- something third-world that i hadn't seen before. and this man was not alone. as we drove through the rest of mumbai i realized that we were passing probably hundreds of people sleeping on the streets. a thin sheet separated some from the dirty ground and even without, groups of people slept side-by-side. this was their resting place.

i wondered outloud this morning how people could sleep with all of the noise. sib replied that they get used to it. tune it out. i don't know how they do it, but need rules out a lot of logistics.

and i slept in a bed all week. with clean sheets and a pillow. in a room with screens and an amazing ceiling fan. it's humbling, yet, i can't be who i am not. i can only look upon the world with openness, awareness and an ever-widening view of humanity, need, who i am, what i have and how i have what i have. i hardly know how -- but these moments are where i express my need to act and my inability without community and the inspiration of God.

- sarees -

the door buzzer rudely interrupted our peaceful sleep. it was monday morning in India. our last day; it started early and ended late.

a quarter to seven in the morning, sib is ringing our doorbell, handing us our sarees (custom fitted) and letting us know that sarah will be over to help us with our sarees. one long piece of cloth takes a truly experienced woman to make it look beautiful and sarah was our helper!

we scrambled out of our beds and got ready. when sarah arrived, her long indian hair coiffed into a bun with a do-rag, she wrapped me up first. simone and i had our tops on backwards (big surprise ... aren't the clasps supposed to go in the back? at least that's what i've known since i was able to dress myself. i had to re-learn a very basic indian thing! haha!) so we switched those, tighted our petticoats to hold up the folds of fabric, and sarah started expertly wrapping and folding.

for the first time, getting dressed was actually a community experience. there was no way you could get into a saree alone and still be sane. simone commented that it was like getting dressed in the old days -- when dressing took lacing up and layering and more people that one.

but sarah was satisfied with her work when we fninshed, we felt beautiful and it was truly a unique South Asian experience. (not to mention the stares we got walking in...)

growth.

a little update on my little plants thanks to Elizabeth who watered them while I was gone in India.

Basilikum on the left, Petersilie on the right.

.green.

yes, okay, fine. I am a bit green. actually, if that tone sounds like i'm ashamed, it's not true. i am a bit of a tree-hugger (no, not to the hippie-extent) and for several reasons that i will fail to list because it's not a part of my point.

needless to say, i've a picture here of my newest endeavor: having a green thumb. and, not to mention, growing fresh herbs to cook scrumptiously with. i was telling my boyfriend last night that i miss my mom's garden in Iowa! i never thought, as a little girl pulling weeds and scratching fresh mosquito bites, that i would miss it, but that is probably something i pine after the most. green beans, rhubarb, squash and all the fresh raspberries i could want!

thus, i'm reviving a little bit of my past, i planted some parsley and basil, and now i'm waiting for them to grow (and to see if my thumb is as green as my mom's.) as you can see by the pic, my parsley just sprouted past the surface!! i'm way too excited about it and will probably post it's progress, just because i can. if you could care less about my parsley plant, well, i'm sorry for you. :-) i'll still be your friend.