the verge

there are moments in my life when i feel like i'm on the verge of something large. i've been living in that for the last few days, not sure of where it will take me ... hoping it could take me somewhere, but skeptically thinking, "oh, it's probably nothing." how's THAT for optimism?

i lost my job last month. i'll steer clear from this subject, but i'll just say that i need a new one. :-) (a new little girl, a husband in school, monthly rent and bills to pay for, pretty shoes to buy ... you might see why.)

jeremy says that i just need to get out and try something, but i'm a very calculating person. i think (and sometimes, think and think and think) about something before i say it or before i act. needless to say, my life normally involves very little risk. sounds like a normal "planning" personality to me, doesn't it to you? on the flip side, it also sounds like someone who doesn't want to fail at anything. trust me, i'm not used to failing. most things i'm pretty good at. and if i'm not good at it, i tend to just not do it. like playing video games vs. my husband, snow skiing and, well, anything that involves the risk of failure.

i ask God though, "i know there is something out there that would fulfill me (career wise). why don't you just show me what that would be? please?"

i feel as if i'm on the verge of the answer to that question, but then i think, "but I haven't sought God enough, i haven't prayed about it enough, i haven't sat in His presence and given it to him (at all). so, i haven't done anything right, why would 'poof' the answer be there when i have a good feeling?" my inner skeptic says, "it's nothing. forget it. don't listen."

but then i see people who've discovered their passion - and it's beautiful and messy - and it spurs me on to hope that i'll figure mine out (in a tangible way), even if it changes at different points in my life, before too much of my life is lived in only the search. in only my calculating.


Above all, remember that the meaning of life is to live it as if it were a work of art. You're not a machine. When you're young, start working on this great work of art called your own existence.
~Abraham Joshua Heschel
as quoted by Rob Bell in Drops Like Stars